Wins and losses

We tend to think deep thoughts at 3 a.m., when we frequently wake up and wonder about Drew and our family and future. Last night, an "aha" hit about why this is so hard. We had two losses, not just one.

The most painful one is the loss of a child. People write books on that one, so we can't add much to the literature.

The other loss deserves some thought, and it got some thought last night. As is our Llewellyn style, our family attacked Drew's illness the way we attack job assignments, soccer tournaments, and other life pursuits. During the nine months of Drew's illness, we and our extended family (our kids and the likes of Jordan and Brian and Ginny and Ruthie and countless others) broke every visitation time limit, room occupancy maximum, and no-cell-phones rule. More interestingly, though, we became very close to dozens of nurses, doctors, staff, and each other.

In fact, one could argue we became part of an special team - intimate almost, because we spent entire twelve hour shifts on this effort with Sala and Anastasia and Melissa and Matt and Maggie and Kim and so many other nurses - talking about our families while helping with bed linens and IV poles and giving opinions on whether something looked more red or more swollen or whether Taylor could ever win American Idol. We saw Dr. Long almost every day for a month, and we talked soccer and Burkitt's with Dr. Limentani at 6:15 a.m. more times than you can imagine. We cried in Therese's arms and at Helen's desk and laughed at every balloon Brian bought.

So our second loss, which also hurts a lot, is that our wonderful team of folks played hard and lost. And we have always hated to lose. And unlike other endeavors, we can't say "better luck next season" or "there will be other elections" or "we can make another movie". We gave it everything and still lost. We only had one game to play, it took nine months, and we lost. We almost feel guilty for sometimes focusing on this loss, but unlike the other one, it makes us mad. So we throw things, yell things, and express a different set of emotions. Pure anger.

This loss, though, had some little wins which we will always remember. We are all infinitely closer to our family and friends. We had long, wonderful conversations few families can have in a lifetime. We have closer friends. We have a new pride in all our kids which no awards or honors could match.

And we had another nine-month effort that resulted in a win - Westbrook, and a second one started. Life goes on.