What might have been

As our family sorts through how our life has changed with Drew's passing, we are beginning the process of wondering what might have been.

Knowing that Drew and TeamLlewellyn fought equally hard, sought every medical opportunity available, and followed every direction, we rest comfortably with the satisfaction that everything that could possibly be done was done for Drew. We are free to simply ponder what might have been Drew's course. As he was scared by his doctor's frank discussions of odds and risks, he thought about and discussed what legacy a person leaves. We can think about that for him now.

We are blessed to be mad with no one. A nasty cancer with unknown cause leaves no one to blame. We look back at what we did and have no cause for anger at companies or medical teams or insurers or ourselves. We could complain about those who cut medical research and spend it on war or welfare, but we all vote to elect those who determine that spending. We could be mad with the ignorant who stop embryonic stem cell research, but they do so with the right intention despite the wrong information. We could just be angry.

Drew did his best and TeamLlewellyn did its best. So we are left to consider, with a clear conscience, what could have been. Where would Drew have headed?

We have no idea.

Drew often took roads less traveled, or roads untraveled, or no road at all. He changed college majors, tried new sports, and had every haircut possible. However, he held on to several constants in his 23 years that would have stayed with him in the life that would have been. They all involved his spirit.

First, he had a bug for travel. After his hundredth weekend of traveling soccer, with bagels and backseats and Subway lunches, you would think he would seldom leave home. But he could never sit still, loved the road trips, and was getting the international bug as well. Soccer took him to England, his school to Italy, and our assignment to Australia and New Zealand. He loved the new roads to travel and new roads to make. He would have vacationed much better than we ever did, taking our Cousin Ted and Laura Lee's philosophy of work hard, play harder. (We think they summited Mt. Kilimanjaro last week and left a blue TeamLlewellyn wristband there.)

Despite his traveling bug, Drew also liked to be home. His adolescent threat to run away from home created little concern. When he did run away, we waited a few hours and called his cell phone. He didn't answer, but we heard it ringing from the back yard. He hadn't gone very far. So he would be a traveler who always returned.

Second, he would have been a good parent. The importance of seeing Westbrook once before he had his transplant was enough to show us his ease with kids. He showed it many other ways, and we often talked about helping kids. He admired good teachers and the special adults in his life, like his coaches and mentors, because he saw what they did for him. One regret we bear is not having that adult-to-adult conversation about our parenting decisions when he challenged us during his "off the road period". He was not quite ready for that conversation with us, but we got glimpses of his thoughts that could have helped others do better.

Third, Drew had a passion for helpfulness which would have affected his career. Jordan laughed that he was so protective about carrying her bags that he would even carry her purse when it became too heavy. Notes from friends included one from his middle school assistant principal saying that he would carry the lunch her daughter kept in the office frig to her each day - pretty special for a six grader to get lunch delivered by an eighth grader. (It also brings into question just how often Drew was in the principal's office.)

But Drew always jumped to help - supporting his family, protecting friends from bullies, and pulling struggling swimmers. He returned from a wilderness adventure and was praised for being the guy who carried the load for those who struggled. He wanted a job which would allow him time for volunteer fire fighting or EMT work. He would probably have been on CNN one day, as the fireman who refused to use ladders but climbed up the building exteriors and jumped out windows with babies in his arms.

Drew's spirit is his legacy. We hope it rubbed off on enough of us to matter as much as he wanted to matter.